Things have been pretty icky around here. I'm not sure how else to put it honestly. Just icky. Last week both Ry and Tin came down with some kind of stomach bug. Ry's lasted 24hours and then he was fine. And Tin was sick for almost 4 days, because of that he lost almost a pound. Took him to the doctor got some anti-vomit suppositorys and got him on the road in the right direction. He gained back everything he lost while he was sick which is awesome, but he still has six ounces he had lost aside from that that we aren't sure how to get back. He's one child that keeping weight on has become an utter challenge.

Cheyanne has an ARD meeting on the 20th for Kindergarten. I can't believe how big she has gotten, she has such an attitude at times as well. I don't always know how to handle her so I walk away from her until I am ready to civily talk with her, because I don't want her to grow up in a sappy environment as I did.

Talked to the X about a week ago, jerk is all I can say to that topic, I mean seriously. He actually thought I would consider divorcing Jelly to go back with his abusive friggin self. Not happening. I don't care if he has my son or not, still not happening. I have 3 children here that need me and I love more then anything, and I want to try and keep both their parents in their lives for as long as I can.

Anyways. I jess thought I would write up a quick update. Anyways. I am off.

Jelly is still job hunting. He did get his papers for mediation in the mail. He mailed them back with a $50 money order and now he is waiting to see the date that mediation is to be sceduled. In the meantime, we still are unsure about how we are going to be paying everything, but I know we will find away and that everything will be alright. (Sigh) He has been applying for so many jobs, its insane, I wish there was more I could say on this subject but there really isn't its the horrid thing called the wating game and it sucks something fierce.

The kids are mananging to drive me completely yet utterly bonkers and I donno how much longer I can take it. (sigh) The house is a disaster because I have no ambition and am unintrerested in doing n e thing about it, I donno right now though. I am at my witts end with everything, I donno what to do about n e thing.

The only good thing going for us right now is God is on our side and eventually everything will be alright.

I am in the middle of watching Twilight for the first time when I should be working on my final for my relgion class. However, now I am dying to read all the books that go along with the movie. I have them as ebooks, I jess haven't read them and now I want to read them. That's gonna be a fun task over the next few nights.

I am completely not happy right now, I don't think I could be in a worse mood, I think realization just kicked in and hard like. Jelly lost his job on monday. He was suspended without pay until further notice. The charge against him is somethign like sexual misconduct in the work place. I am less then amused. The person that made the accusation is under investigation for the same thing and worse. I am irritated. He would never do something like this, I know him better then less. I don't know what we are gonna do about bills for the month of May, but this month at least everything is going to be paid for. I don't know what to think. (sigh). He's looking for another job, but right now we can just wait. If he goes through mediation at work theres a chance he can get his job back,and thats what he wants, but we don't know really what to do about it all. :(

I must admitt there are some days I wanna crawl behind a rock and hide there for eternity. Fon't get me wrong things could be far worse, I'm just I donno unhappy. Blah. I can't figure out what I should do about the way I feel, now can I figure out how to deal with the way I feel at this point. I have so many feelings locked away that I don't know what to think about it all. I can't sleep at night, I am always tired and wore down, I barely wanna eat ... food jess well looks gross half the time. (sigh). One of those times in life where life isn't pleasent I suppose.

Have you ever been so hurt that you don't really know what to do or say about anything. At this point I feel so dang numb I don't think it really matters. I'm at a loss for words and I don't know really what to think about it all, but then again, I suppose its life. (sigh). Sucks when friendships full apart.

I'm 25 years-old and I can honestly say this isn't where I saw me being at this point in my life. To put it simpily I grew up in a crappy environment, not ideal for any child in my opinion. High School wasn't the best of times but it wasn't the worst of times either. I went through a lot of trial and error, but the one good thing that came out of it is that I gave birth to a beautiful blessing.

8 years ago I gave birth to Dacoda, 8 years ago my life seemed almost complete. 6.5 years ago my life fell apart. It's crazy when you think about it, but then when you look at it the way I do, I believe that everything does happen for a reason. I honestly think I gave up to early. I let them win, I know in my heart I could have been a good mother to my son, but then when I think back, I know how hard it was on me to stay up all night with a cranky child and then try to function in school the following day. I think I was being self-fish when I allowed them to have him without a fight. Peter always said I was a bad mother because I gave up and didn't fight them. I fought with him saying that I was acting in the best intrest of our child. He begged to differ. At this point I will admitt I think he was right and I was wrong. I don't think I could ever admitt to him how I feel about this. I wouldn't want to have to put up with the I told you so's and his arrogent attitude.

I wanted to get on with my life, I can't imagine what my life would be like if I were stil raising Dacoda. I would like to think it would be the ideal life yanno. He would be the perfect big brother helping to teach his younger siblings new things, helping them to learn things that one might consider good or bad. However, when you think about it, it is all in how you look at it. I have seen Dacoda mebbe five times in the past 5 years. I know it is my fault to blame when it comes down to it, I'm the one that left, the one that walked away. The one that isn't there and hasn't been there for him. I feel bad about it and I accept it is my resposibility for my actions. Don't get me wrong, I love my son, I wish I could be a more active part in his life. However, given what I am told about him the times that someone actually does talk to me, I don't think my being a part of his life is a good thing at all. It appears to me that they have said a lot of not nice things about me, and he believes them given he is a child. So what it comes down to is him waiting to talk with me to ask me where his gift is at and then he wants nothing to do with me.

After I graduated from High School I gave up. What kind of mother does that make me, a pretty crappy one if you ask my opinion. I let all the negative things that people said to me about the way I was parenting my child get to me, I believed that at the time I was doing the right thing. I no support from anyone and I gave up. I allowed PEter's parents to win and keep him. I walked away.

That following September I moved down here to Texas with Jelly. I have pretty much been here since with a few go back home and then come back routines. Jelly and I have 3 beautiful children together. I have enjoyed every moment I have been able to spend with my children. I enjoy being there for them, for their firsts, for everything that has happened in their lives. I enjoy every aspect of their lives.

I never did see myself being 25 and the mother of 4 3 children. I"m married to a wonderful guy and an even more wonderful father. I am going to college and working towards my degree so that I can better myself and my children and my family. I know I have made some mistakes in my life, but I am a better person for those mistakes or so I like to believe. I try to be a good mother and put my children first, I try to make things better for them then what I had when I was a child. I like to think that I am doing a good job, I am not sure, but I would like to think so.

Dacoda Jamez (Age 8):


Cheyanne Jazmyne (Age 5):


Riley Charles (Age 3.5):


Austin Joshua (Age 2):


And Me (Age 25):

Dacoda: He turned 8 years old this past January. He is in the second grade and from what I understand happily living with his father (father's fiance and his new baby brother). It's completely insane when I think about about how his life has turned out and how I'm not there being a part of it. In so many ways it makes me feel as if I am such a failure as mother. I strongly think that things could have been much better had I stayed there with him, but then when I think with logic I know that isn't/ wasn't they ideal environment for Dacoda or I.

Cheyanne: My sweet baby girl. I can't believe she is already 5 years old. It's hard to believe this next school year she will be in Kindergarten. She has come a long way dispite her speech delay. She is such a drama child at the extent she will do whatever she possibly can in order to acheive attention at times. However I can't say that I blame her completely given that her younger brothers steal so much of mine and their daddy's attention. However, one of her stronger suits is problem solving and she certainly enjoys putting together puzzles, playing with princess's. dressing up as Cinderella, and building castles. Aside from all that her favorite thing to do is go to school. Go figure, she is still at the age where she thinks it's fun and play.

Riley: My sweet bundle of love. Such a wonderful 3 year-old. I have been through so much with this child and we have come so far. In 2007 I almost lost this sweet little bundle. I am pleased to say that as far as I know he hasn't had any seizures since that one day in July. I had never been so scared for any one child of mine in my entire life. We have been through so much with him and have come so far. As it currently stands I we still have no answers as to what has caused all the problems that he has come into contact to. I'm not even sure calling them problems is the proper woords. However, as of his last nurology appoinment at Texas Children's (which was actually his first this past Tuesday), (Before then he was seen at Hermon Memorial), We now have a 1 hour EEG sceduled for next month on the 22nd. This is to help rule out the possiblilty of him havinf silent seizures. Then tomorrow I will once again attempt to scedule the following appoinments we need made for the child psych and the sleep clinic and then we also have a follow up with his nurologist in 6 months. The psych appoinment is to figure our if he is rocking because of obasessive compulsive disorder or if it is a needed stimuli. The sleep clinic is to try and figure out why he doesn't sleeo more then two hours at night. If he doesn't take his clonidine he doesn't sleep at all but without it he doesn't sleep a wink and he is up all night rocking and singing some odd ball songs. Anyways, some of his favorite things are Thomas the Train, Disney Cars and his blanky and BearBear. He also enjoys attending school, he just doesnn't enjoy being woken up in the morning to go.

Austin:  Such a sweet baby boy. I can't believe he is already 2 years old. We are still dealing with all the same issues we have been for more then a year. The only major change is that we no longer have CPS riding down our booty. Anyways, we have managed to gain some weight though he is now at 23lbs 05oz, I am proud of his weight gain however he is still lingering below the 5th %. Anyways, we have been to numerous doctors, 2 different GI's, a Genetics Dr. and his pedi. We still go and see his pedi every 2 weeks for his weight checks in order to closely monitor his weight gain. As of right now we still have no answers at all as to why Austin gains so little weight. He has been drinking pediasure since he was 8 months old. However he does drink some cups of chocolate milk throughout the day and eats cheetos and toast, loves pizza and chicken nuggets, but he doesn't care for much food. He does handle food alright, but it seems as if he hates the textures. Or something to that extent. However, we still really don't know much about his situation.

I sat for about 20 mins trying to figure out the PW to my other journal here and then said screw it and made a new one. Honestly I don't think anyone can blame me. I mean well seriously. Anywho, For those of you that don't know me, My name is Annie and am married to Jelly (Mel) And we have 3 children together. Cheya age 5, Riley age 3.5 and Austin age 2. I also have an 8 year old son named Dacoda from a previous relationship. However, He lives with his father in Wisconsin and I live in Texas. Not the greatest thing, but hey its life. I guess. I don't even know at this point.

You have any questions feel free to ask. I will try to keep this thing updated as sometimes I do really need some place else to write. I don't know though lol. Anywho. Latta days.